I am drained. Its hard to find motivation when I just don't even know how to feel. Its hard to focus on things when I feel as if some parts of my life are put together with cheap glue, and the Florida humidity is making it melt. Hah. Lame metaphors but no really as strong as people think I am the whole not having that many friends and family around kills me. The lack of support drive me insane. I know when my birthday rolls around I'll probley drink even more, and worse of all alone. I'll probley end up an alcohalic because I have no one to really talk to down here. People are flakes, and apparently I'm to sensative about shit. But I mean if you make plans and they fall threw tell me... simple as that. And don't constantly put me on the back burner. Its not that difficult. It takes alot to get me going. This move had been one of many things, I've gained alot but I feel as if I've lost more. Old friends say I come off happier and I am to a certain degree but I'm so fucking lost I don't even know what to do. Atleast when I was 14 and fucked up on drugs atleast I knew why I felt the way I did. I hate that I felt I knew myself more then I do now. The only time I even get close to figuring myself out is if I'm drunk. How pathetic. I just wish I could talk to my bestfriend more, Najah is always busy she never picks up and I hate that when I do talk to her its always about me having a hard time. I wish my sister wasn't fucking up either because I'd love to talk to her but I don't even wanna talk to her. She doesn't deserve to talk to me the way shes digging her grave. But I'm a good person right? I try and be good to others?? For some reason I feel I'm always stuck with the grunt of things. I mean my life at some points are amazing we all have our stories but still. I know moving here made me appreciate my dad more. I hope one day I can be even half as amazing as him, or I hope one day I'll meet someone to share my life with like my parents and grandparents. Speaking of grandparents I miss mine, My grandma back home the most. Makes me sick. I just hate how when I'm slightly sad, mad, or whatever people get so defensive, its like jeez I'm sorry I do breathe the same air too. I am human, I can feel pain. Speaking about painful things, lately things that remind me of JJ come up. I don't know how to handle it sometimes, makes me just wanna numb up a bit just to feel a little of her back. Theres so much about me people don't know here and I don't feel myself at all. Kevin told me something about school the other day when we were shopping. He was like I haven't seen you motivated yet about school. Scolding me a little because I refuse to spend alot of money on a pattern. Its true, I don't have much motivation here, or at all. I do wanna create beatiful things, and be all i can be. I feel I threw myself away a long time ago, thats why this gallery is so empty. I can't even fuction my thoughts are so jambled in my head. Sometimes I wish I could just sit back and breathe. I think the only thing that keeps me sane is meditating and music. I hope I stay more focused and when my birthday (june 21) rolls around things will pan out better.





---*xoxo*---

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