Ugh, sometimes I don't understand my feelings. So much good things can come to me but still I have this void. Hmm but before I go on to that I will give myself some credit. Going from almost being "dismissed" in school to getting almost all As its quite an accomplishment for me, because I've always struggled in school. Actually I struggle with anything that could benefit me, even the easiest things. Its kindof a pain in the ass. I also got a new job at this place called Lush Cosmetics. I'm excited about that too. But with those things aside I have been in a slump kindof. I have mixed feelings for different situations in my life. I feel like a rag doll in one, I feel my heart strings are being pulled. I led my conclusions get the best of me and now I just find myself wanting something that just wont be. I don't even know why I even think shit like that. I'm ugly, I'm beautiful, I'm many things..... but for once I'd love to just someone treat me even better than I treat myself. I'm not a bad person, I don't want the world I just want what I deserve. Its a shame, putting my hopes up even for the slightest. People around me don't get it, its deeper then just skin deep. Its not others thats the issue, Its this void, this block. I don't know how to just release me and be care free. I hold all this pent up energy. Some days I think I'm beautiful and I hope someone else will realize it, but then most days I just go back to doubting myself. I just hate no matter what emotion you have its effected by alot of things you can't control. I feel so blindsided and naive even though I know whats ahead in this situation. Such a dumb bitch for thinking the way I do. Another thing I feel is indifferent. What do you do when you see someone you love fall, and even though you try there isn't much you can do to pull them up. This goes for a few people, mainly my sister. Shes in trouble but thats no shocker. I just hate when people don't realize their self-worth. Don't get me wrong I don't give myself enough credit by all means. But I don't think I'm this horrible piece of shit. I just don't know what to do. Someone I didn't know passed away this past week, suicide, her inner demons got the best of her. Seeing how someone who was so loved still struggle makes me sad. What does it take to have someone happy? Does everyone really want the same thing? Some people feed of saddness. Some people don't want to be helped. The more I talk about death, the more people seem to be open and understanding. I know how it is to lose someone so deep, so significant, I miss her, and although I have this knot in my chest that will never go away. Even if I don't know the person, I can't help but to have sorrow over someone's death, its human nature to me obviously.

I'm just ranting, getting things off my chest because I don't have to many here near me I can just be so open with. I wish my bestfriend was around. Ugh... I wish I was going home in 2 weeks for break. :[





I suck.








---*xoxo*---

---*xoxo*---