Into Dust

Suppose I should make some sort of an effort as to an update on my life. Well I dropped out of college, not my proudest moment really but it is what it is. I technically flunked out but midway in my last term I probably could of kept going and eventually passed with shitty grades and moved on to the next set of classes. I just wasn't happy so I walked out. I felt I had lost myself at that point, not only as an artist but as a person. I think what really made me so set on walking out was one morning I woke up and on my way to class I had the urge to just drift my car into oncoming traffic. Not that I have a death wish or I'm suicidal, I just literally wanted something more thrilling and unexpected to happen, even if it was bad. I can't explain it. Sometimes the idea of death excites me. Awkward I know, but it is what it is. Either way, yea I'm no longer in school, and in debt that will probably take me my whole life to pay off for a school I find to be a big joke for a degree I never even got. Some days I just wished I didn't even go to college. Some days I wished I never left and I did better in the beginning. I could already be over a year graduated, but I was never good at school. I'm not really all that good at much of anything that would be a premier occupation. Either way I know I'll be ok. I just think its really shitty of me to put my family in the situation I did. I tried so hard to make my old man proud, and to not be a follower in my sister's footsteps.... although to be honest its exactly what I did expect I didn't lie about it I just told him the truth (ok maybe not the walking out part but the flunking part). Even though there are consequences for my actions I've been way happier being out of school even with the added stress. 

Since the last time I talked about love interest not much has happened, no surprise there. I'm just kind of over it. I'm tired of casual hookups that have no depth behind it. I hate that I always seem to just be an object of lust with no real substance behind it. Its not like I set myself up in situations.... because I don't fall for that shit, so because of that my love life has taken a front seat on the nonexistent train. I'm not even really talking to anyone around here. There was this one guy, James, that I was hooking up with after Ken basically dropped whatever hope I had for an affectionate connection but James was a rebound. And although he wanted to date me, may even still, I just don't see it happening. I mean he is cute! The attraction is there, and the sex.... Mmm the sex... but I just found it hard to really connect to him like he wanted me too. I think he just wanted to be with someone and I just happened to be there. Other then that nothing really. Few small crushes, nothing worth mentioning. Just the same pointless bullshit day in and day out. Guys spewing verbal vomit and lies to get their dicks wet. For once I wished I could just meet someone and instantly get a connection to where I'd want to get to know them better, and they would want the same, and eventually we would be such good friends where we would try dating and it works. Seems rather difficult when all I ever seem to get is douche-bags at Publix (grocery store) coming up to me with lines like "Oh you look like you could suck a dick!" How classy! I always get inappropriate nonsense like that, and people don't get it. They don't understand how much shit I get, grant it most of it comes from shitty online dating sites but it does happen in person too. I get it, I'm alternative.... must mean I'm an easy fuck, on top of it I'm plus size..... must mean I'm an easy fuck. Guess I'm twice the easy fuck to some. In the end I'm a fucking human being, and all I want is to be loved and respected. I'm at a point where being single and alone can be devastatingly irritating. And I hate being that bitter girl in the club where I'm happy for my friends who are in cute relationships but deep down I wished I had something similar. It doesn't leave me unable to function normally or turn into some caddy bitch but still.......it just gets old. I'm just over it. I deserve a meaningful connection. I want more. I want something real. I want something worth-while. 

On a more happier note I've grown fond of my life in Florida for the most part. I love the 1938 duplex I live in with my friend Crystal and her mom. I have amazing friends that really go out of there way for me at times. I'm such a social being most places I go I always find a friend, and that to me is comforting. I pretty much know majority of the city, and it has its perks. So much variety. The goth scene here is so friendly for the most part, unlike more places its not diluted with shallow imagery that leaves me feeling antiquate. Either way, even though I don't consider this my home if I ever were to leave there would be a great deal of people/things I would miss. YET with that said, speaking of home my old man surprised me for my birthday with a plane ticket home. I leave on Monday. Will be nice to set foot on home soil again and see bits of my old life. I'm really excited to see my mom, she doesn't even know I'm coming home. I can't wait to hug her. Oh god there is nothing like a hug from your mother. There have been many times where all I want is a hug from my mom. I miss her like fucking crazy. My dad too, as well as everyone else. I'll be happy to see Najah too, it saddens me that we have grown apart over distance but it was bound to happen. I still consider her my best friend though, and hopefully she thinks the same. I know in the end she still loves me but still.... its hard, the distance makes it hard. We don't know what is going on with each other, sure we catch up on skype every now and then or on the phone but until I'm back home (if I ever do move back) then it will remain a distant kind of love. I can't wait to see her though. 

I feel so exhausted emotionally. I keep my feelings so bottled up a lot. I really should write more, this actually helps me.